Pulling myself out of the "funk".

So the past few months have been an absolute roller coaster for me. One day, I'll be feeling great, it seems like nothing can hold me back, then on another day, it feels like nothing can hold me up.
I figure a good portion of the negative feelings I'm having are just attacks of the Adversary against me, because of my intent to focus more on bettering my situation.
As I try to better myself in various ways, I keep being hit by setbacks.
As I try to plan for certain things, the situation changes at the last second, making my plans rather useless.
The things that have made my life easier, have slowly decayed so that their effects are hardly felt in my life anymore.
My glimmering hopes are slowly dimmed by age, and perhaps from lack of use.

The biggest damper on my spirits, came and left me almost a month ago... As usual, I was meditating on Christ's atonement and various scriptures as I laid in bed one night. More particularly Galatians Ch2 verse 20, which says, "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but ^aChrist ^bliveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the ^cfaith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."
As I laid there, my body suddenly became responsive to my movements... something I have not experienced in some time. My fingers and toes on my left side were no longer hard to control, and the only lack I felt in them was a lack of strength from not being used in 5 years, where they had succumbed to atrophy. This continued for a few days, four to be exact, and I quite literally felt as if I could run a marathon. My days were filled with various activities that I had not been able to accomplish in previous attempts, and my confidence soared to great heights, a feeling I had been without since the time of my diagnosis in 2005.
Well, contrary to my hopes and the hopes of the few people in my family I had related this event to, the return of my previous difficulties was a very saddening experience. I have yet to regain fully my positive outlook.

I try my best at what I can do, but I seem to judge myself too harshly, based on my past accomplishments. I can't help but feel a remorse when I look back on my life, not being capable of doing again what I have done before, not having the spark and drive I once had, and all of the time I have squandered in activities that had no benefit to me, other than to satisfy my ego or to give myself a temporary benefit.

But, I keep reminding myself this is only going to be for my benefit... that through my weakness I am showed the great strength and potential I have, that we ALL have. The trials and adversity I am facing (and we ALL have them, just in different degrees) are just a fraction of what was overcome by Jesus. That by losing ourselves in service to His will and to the people we interact with on a daily basis, we can put our suffering away.

This whole situation has been a MAJOR trip for me. Those of you who have grown up with me might not fully understand how I was able to change so drastically in such a short period, but I assure you my outlook never changed, I am just seeing things from a different perspective than I once had. It has been hard for me to accept the ways I acted towards many of you, and I apologize for any hurt/drama I may have caused... but I hope to make amends for those things.

I know that this funk must leave me shortly, I am sure of it. Maybe my problems are far from over, maybe I'll be left to ponder more about the choices I've made, maybe I'll never be fully "healthy" in this life... but I'm certain that just as my fleeting moments of vigor came and went, so must this depression I am feeling, leave me. For, I am crucified in Christ...

2010 is going to be a MUCH better year, I'm hoping I'll meet the woman I will marry and start a family with. I stand by the fact that I feel her presence in the air... I hope she knows I am waiting and ready.

This bad feeling is already starting to leave me, I think I just needed to air-out this experience, let the world know what his happening in my life...
Of course, there is a chance that my narcissism was raging, I have been neglecting my writing outlet for too long. ;)

When you told me that you loved me,

When you told me that you loved me,
I looked back at you, like a dummy,
and then, I said nothing.

All the moon-light talks,
all the starry walks,
I came close to telling you many times.

But, in small outbursts of hushed deference,
I only made things worse.
I was condemned by my silence.

And, so I looked at you in disbelief as I heard you say those words,
those words we had so carefully avoided.
Now they were out before us, to either harm or heal.

You stepped out boldly, and said what we both felt,
but I again found my opportunity to avoid the occasion.

The remaining time was spent in uncomfortable silence.
Funny, how the thing I once sought, the knot I would tie....
would end up being the noose that hung me.

"I've got ninety-nine problems, but a girl isn't one...."

That is really sad to admit, in my opinion. It is meant to be a boastful statement for those who say it... like they have other things to worry about than girls. But when I say it, it is all too literal to me. My ninety and eight problems seem minuscule to that one singular lack.

-------------------------

The gleam has gone from my eyes...

Looking at past photos of us, I noticed something was different about me then.
I had a vigor and zeal that was in me... a fire in my eye that announced to the world that I was ready for a challenge, ready to take it on, or die in the attempt.
And, I almost did...
I wonder if you'd even know me now,
sure, you may recognize my face.
But, would I still be able to make you smile like I once did?
Would we lose ourselves in each other's presence by falling into the void we left in each other, or would we be lost in each other's presence, not knowing where to turn to find common ground?
I scare myself at times, it is almost as if I want to live in my past,
but I know that I was living with my head down a hole.
But, even with my head in a hole, the fire of my pupils was enough to ignite asbestos.
I can't take all the credit though, I did have great support... it was hard to let the world keep me down when I wasn't fighting my battles alone.

The fire was certainly in my eyes, but it started first in my heart.

Over-indulgence.

So, lately I have been finding it hard to eat reasonably. What I mean is, I've been taking things to excess and gorging myself on whatever it is I'm eating.

I still eat healthy, for the most part, but just WAY too much of it. I just can't seem to eat a single serving, or even a double helping... lately, I'll stuff myself to the brim, not stopping until whatever I'm eating is gone. Sure, this may eventually help with my issue of not gaining weight, but I think I might be going overboard with it.

For example, the past few days, I had to literally force myself to use restraint in eating the rice-krispy treats I made. I ate the entire batch in two sittings, instead of one. I just finished eating a pound of fresh cherries... again, forcing restraint on myself so I didn't eat the other pound. I went to the grocery store today, and I bought about a pound and a half of cooked shrimp, and I've been contemplating for the past hour if I want to eat them with cocktail sauce, or if I'll just eat them with wasabi and soy sauce.

I know the proper thing to do wold be to make a meal, of some sort, but I find it so hard to cook just for me. I actually prefer eating just one or two things at a time... if I could just do so without being a glutton. That is part of my problem, being on my own, if I don't eat something it goes to waste. Rather than have that happen, I'll prepare it all then instead of having leftovers, I'll eat everything in one go.
I guess I could just make less, but then I'll find something else to eat until I'm full anyhow.

I hate to say it, but I only seem to control my eating when I know someone is watching me. I need someone else to eat what I cook... better yet, I need a personal chef to make my meals, would a sushi chef be too much to ask for?
Maybe then I'd be content with eating a (semi)normal portion.

Staring into nothingness,
gripped by an unseen hand,
the stars shine forth their glory,
a shimmering hope in an uncertain land.

The shelter in the storm,
the oasis in the sand,
the breeze that cools your heat,
the support that helps you stand.

The nothing turns to something,
The unseen hand is seen,
The golden orbs of heaven,
illuminate the darkness with their sheen.

The uncomfortable quiet is filled.
The over- flowing is drained.
With the taking of abundance,
the giving is never strained.

The awkward silences can be golden,
A gleaming stone among the rest,
to be singled out and valued.
Never a sign of distress.

Staring into nothingness,
at the silhouettes of my hands...
The shape they make against the stars,
is reminiscent of a begging man.

But really, they are not seeking,
but stretching out to give.
To impart of my substance freely,
is the life I'd like to live.


1 Corinthians 13:8 " Charity never faileth:..."

Like a kid on the high dive....

I seem to be stuck. My legs don't want to get me any closer to the edge, for fear of having the ground give way under them.
I had all the intentions of jumping, as I climbed the ladder...
But once I got here, my stomach had left me, and it waved at me from the ground, as if to ask me, "What are you doing all the way up there?".

But, unlike the public pool, there is no one to toss me in. I'm left here, alone. In a constant battle of my will, one side of me, quite similar to me 10 years ago...has the confidence and courage to jump, the other part is more comfortable with where I am... but knows something needs to give.Meaning, I know it is not for me to stay on the high dive. I must come down, either by retreat, or by taking the leap.
I know the way I prefer.

One thing is very similar to the pool.
ALL eyes are on me.
They brand me, make me twitch and cringe under their weight.
The water is suddenly quite inviting, if only to soothe the burning.

The odds of humiliation in retreat seem high, suddenly.
The thought of accomplishment is overpowering, and just as suddenly, the leap is made simple.

I sure hope I land straight, or this could hurt...

The taste of something sweeter.

Monday night, she's drinkin'.
Tuesday night, she's stoned.

Wednesday night she decides,
to spend her night alone...
But Thursday morning is blurry,
and no name's walking to the door.


Fridays never come soon enough,
but never leave in time,
Saturday is just a way
to finish up yesterday's wine.

When Sunday morning comes, she begins again,
a whirlwind at her feet.
She wears a dress of loneliness,
which is tossed inside the breeze.


She takes her rounds on the bars ,
and the doors close behind her.
Her walk and her talk make married men gawk,
the rest follow close behind her.

The choices she makes, always seem wrong,
but that's the way life goes.
It is hard to choose a better way,
when this is what she knows.


She waits around not knowing,
that the journey starts with her,
she'll take a step that begins her trek,
her only finish is when she's through.

'Cause on Monday night she's singing,
Tuesday night she'll dance.
Wednesday night and Thursday mornin' are just another chance.

Then Friday came, and she was laughin'.
Saturday gave her another grin.
When Sunday mornin' finally came,
her life could now begin.

She left the rush and whirlwind,
her lonely dress was gone...
Instead, she wore a gown of Grace,
and stood in a steady calm.

© 2009 J.M. Zakrzewski

Today was different... I felt it in the air.

I got up early, just like every other Sunday. I got ready for church, as usual... my drive there was uneventful.... though I did doze off for a split second... unusual, but understandable because of how late I stayed up, and how early it was.

But when I got in the door, I felt it... I saw it, too. We had roughly, 3 times our usual attendance. It was 'Fast and Testimony' day, and I stood and gave mine, as usual.
But today, unlike all the other days, I had had no intention of doing so. I just DID.

The author within me rarely allows any sort of impromptu public speaking... It is hard for me to walk into any situation without some sort of decided path, in my mind, that I wish to follow.
After I was done today, I hardly remember what I said. Which is even more unusual for me... I don't like forgetting what I say. :|

When I get home... I usually rush to take off my coat and tie, and eat as soon as possible. I'm still in my coat and tie, I've been home almost 3 hours, and I don't quite yet feel like eating. The sanctity of the day is taped to my back.

So, I think this is what I've been aiming for... Oddly enough, I felt better after having spoken than I ever do writing a piece that I deem fantastic. The feeling has been there all day. It is STILL here.

The more I give up what I want, the more I let my will be absorbed by the World; the more the World gives me what I want, I am fulfilled in my denial of self.

Your name sounded familiar on my tongue.

Like I had spoken it before,
as if my lips still formed the vowels,
the consonants lingering, as if invited.
But, I know it is not familiar...
this is just fate, playing as déjà vu so her devices are not known.
She gives an aire of submission to your will,
when, indeed it is you who is succumbing to her vast schemes.

an inkling of a greater way...
the beginning of another day.

It's been too long since I last saw you.

I told you once that I would live near the ocean someday, when I said it, I was only trying to impress you. I did mean it, I just didn't quite believe I'd ever get out of the desert, and I don't think you thought I would, either.
It is now coming up on 2 years since we last talked. I know what drove us apart, now. It was my inability to trust, my own insecurities were coming through in my actions. In jealous fits and tantrums, I would accuse and point fingers. Always, jokingly, but always constantly.
I'm sorry for that...

So, with the passage of time, I have come to see that my faults were ALWAYS greater than yours.... but I let my insecurities add to yours. I heaped all my neurosis on you, then would shun you in return when you showed yours. I felt that because of my lot in life, my bad behavior was somehow justified.

Anywho, this all was stirred up, because I was reminded, while looking at a can of tomato paste today, that I still need to try your odd combination.... Tomato paste and bananas.
I was tempted to try it out, but I promised I'd try it in front of you so you could see my reaction. Funny, you live over 1000 miles away, I don't think we'll ever speak again, and I still couldn't bring myself to break my promise.
Who knows, maybe I'll try it someday, maybe I'll like it. Then, maybe I will be able to tell our story without getting a lump in my throat. I'll be able to tell how you were my lighthouse on the foggiest of nights, you were what drew me back into a safe harbor, because of you, I am now home.

When I look back on our situation, I think about all I could have done differently, how things could have been great if I were more musical, more of an athlete, if only...
The 'if's become endless, and I see that this way is, despite my dismay, the best. When I told you I wanted to find a wife, I really meant I wanted you to be my wife, and I meant it with every part of my being. Even though I didn't/couldn't show you properly how I felt, I would have willingly taken that cross up with you, and I still would, given the chance, only I now have different motivation.... I just want to help you.

So, why am I writing this? Especially, why am I posting it for all to see? (You hated being under examination so much... Not very compatible, from the very start, when paired with my narcissistic tendencies.) Well, I miss you. How we would just talk and laugh. I felt more like myself when I talked with you. I felt so comfortable on the phone with you, you actually made me like talking on the phone. You brought me much needed love at a very trying time for me.
There I said it, what I had been avoiding all this time.
I love you, Britené... I always have, but not in the way I was letting on at the time.

My intentions were well, I was just confused about the intensity of my feelings, and I also mis-judged your feelings for me. The love I held for you then, is the same love I STILL have for you. I think this feeling will stay with me until I die... I am forever indebted, simply because you were your beautiful self, at the proper moment in my life. I have always been a sucker for a pretty face, and I saw yours at a time my emotions were the most raw, I fell head over heels.
Pachabel's Canon just started playing on the radio, fitting, because I would imagine seeing you in a wedding gown dancing to this... I guess it was never really our dance, but I made it so in my mind.
You always did say what I needed to hear, no one since my sister has ever been so right... (don't tell her I said that.)
This whole life is just amazing... we both were catalysts in each other's lives, though we might not have known it at the time. Maybe you did know, I wouldn't say otherwise... but I never saw past your eyes long enough to think about it.

I started writing this with an intention and purpose, but I find myself getting heady on this brew, stirring deep dark vats, drinking too deeply of the mead I created with these old, fermented ideas. But, these are not feelings I will ever give up. I have no remorse for the intensity of my feelings, nor do I mourn having lost my chance with you, because this is the way things had to be.
I know for certain that if by some fluke, we did get together... I would STILL be in Arizona. Neither of us thought I'd get out, and we would have manifested that in our lives. So, I'm glad, in that sense, that you did just push me away. You pushing me away was the motivation I needed to embark on this journey.
By then, the spark you had given me, was a kindled fire, and that led me to the blaze I now enjoy.


As I said, I am forever in your debt... my children may never meet you, but certainly they will know our story, even if it is just the vain imaginations of my early days, they will know how my testimony grew tenfold, when I found out you were an investigator, who was looking for a witness. They will know how your faith that was just beginning, (and, perhaps more importantly at that time in my life) your beautiful face were the start on a path I will never again turn from.
They will know that before dad loved mom, he had a thing for a divorcè, and she properly put him in his place, then sent him on his way.

Now that I have this all written out, I almost want to delete it, and forget it... but I can't. I think I may even want to dig out your number and try giving you a call, but idk if I could bring myself to. This may be it, a blog posting that you will likely never see.
I wonder if you would even answer if you knew I was calling... I don't blame you.
Maybe, one of these days, you'll get a nod from me, if you do... I hope we can just catch up, shoot the breeze, and I'll take a picture of me dipping a banana in tomato sauce and eating it.
If you do ever come across this, send me an email, we'll catch up.
jumazak@gmail.com

PS, I'm sorry for putting this 'out there', but I never pretended to have much tact anyhow. :)

Para siempre.

I asked the man working behind the counter with you
what your name tag read.
He told me simply,
"Forever."
At that, he was gone and I was left standing there,
like a kid that missed his bus,
stranded on a street corner,
my hands shoved sheepishly in my pockets.
I searched for the change that could mean the difference...
between a ride home and walking,
The difference between mediocrity and my hopes and dreams.
"Forever."
When you made your way to me,
this was the only thing I heard.
A whisper of your allure that shattered into the eternities.
My mind let no other thought or word in.
All my senses were gone and only the resonating impact of the word remained.
The one word to describe your beauty, your grace, your soul.
Forever.
My silence had no effect on you,
you continued as if I had spoken in reply.
My gaze being lost in the subtle movements of your hands.
You spoke to me as if I could accomplish something for you,
I made a gesture of some sort, and you thanked me.
Forever was your calling,
For-ever was my gratitude in being acknowledged.
As our spirits drew closer together, I did not quite understand what was written on your tag.
"How does that say Forever. -?" I asked.
"It doesn't." You laughed.
"It says the same thing as the wind as it whispers through your hair...
the same thing that is heard in a child's laugh,
in a parent's scorn,
or a lover's smile.
My name is Forever.
Yet, it is so much more."

Wild horses.

I nodded off and got caught in my dream,
when I came to, I thought it may have been real.
You had been there, though I couldn't quite see your face.

I never can seem to see your face...
Just a soft outline of a profile.

I can imagine what I would like to see,
but what does that matter?
I kept calling to you, your name not quite discernible to me.

You would look my way, but never quite at me.
Finally my angst was enough to wake me,
but like I said, it could have been real.

The smell of the kitchen we were in was strong in my nose,
oiled wood cabinets and dinner on the stove.

Maybe that is my trip....
Every time, I never quite see you, despite my attempts.
I awake myself in a fervor.
So perhaps I need to not be impatient.

The next time this happens, I'll be patient.
I'll wait for you to look at me.
Nothing can keep us apart.

"Wild horses, couldn't drag me away."
- Mick Jagger and Kieth Richards

I ache for *you*, now...

It has now been almost four years since you wrote me that letter... 05 October, 2005.
I still read it often, and the tears still come pouring out...
the copy I have is obviously spotted by them.
But today, I wadded up my tissue and threw it feebly at the wastebasket,
it bounced out and fell to the floor,
this caused a new outburst of tears...
No one but family would get this... and know the love with which I say... I can never look at a snotty tissue again, without thinking of *you*. :)

I have surely felt your spirit along my way,
and I could not have made it otherwise.
But, that time has passed where I looked to others for a lighter burden.
You may have been stronger, while I was faster...
But neither strength or speed can help us now.
As you said, you can not help me.
Nor can I help you.

Our situations can not be helped by a comforting hand of a loved one...
I wish it could. I'd tear this veil from your eyes.
The roles have reversed now...
I am no longer afraid of the dark of the night.
The Light is within us all.
Though, I feel you being overpowered by the desires of your heart....
chasing the tail-end of a wind that has already blown by you.
A wind that was blowing too fast to ride, anyhow.

We both jumped from the nest too early...
but with your tendency to rush things, and my tendency to hide from them,
our falls were different for us both. Yours was hard and fast, mine was slow,
but I hit a lot of branches along the way down.
Coming from one who has returned to the nest...
The view alone is worth the effort.

I see you in a new way...
I'm no longer the buck-toothed,
toe-headed, pest that I once was, either.
I no longer see someone that will take my fears away,
but someone that had the same fears as me all along.

I never knew it, but you were just as scared as me.

We both have cause to groan like a
hibernating bear that is awakened early....
But we were supposed to be beyond that.
I try daily to get beyond it.
You were better at it than us all... Do you remember?

"Some people say that I'm a dreamer...
but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday, you'll join us. And the world will live as one."

Come avete fatto a piedi.

Had I kept my shoes on and walked boldly,
this distance between us would have seemed small.
But I didn't.
I took them off so I wouldn't sully the path you set before me.
So I could tiptoe and zig-zag my way through without hurting myself, not realizing
that I was delaying my journey to you in the process.
Well, I slipped up, and now I'm bleeding.
Walking on eggshells that cut through me like glass.
There is no sense in treading lightly, anymore.
The path is now marked by my blood.
I realize now that you walked the path, so I could walk where you did.
My goal now is to walk where the path is clear.

Cotton sheets are cold when you're alone...
They somehow don't feel that comfortable when there is no one to share them with.
The soft weave feels scratchy and dull.
My breath seems to take forever to warm up this under-cover tent.
It's big enough for two, but one side is left unoccupied.
Closed off from drafts, closed off from the world.
Shivering, in the dank air of my mouthwash breath,
I give a silent Prayer that you will take your place soon, by my side.

Jump roping my tongue.

Narrowly avoiding the words that are in my mind to say.
They cling to my voice, avoiding the breath that will carry them out.

It's not a frog in my throat... its these silly words.
Tearing up everything else I say, making my words the husks of what they once were.
Now hollowed words by my reserve, but once hallowed words by the subject matter.

Random one-liners.

The faster we walk, the faster we fall.

It gets so quiet in here, no one but me hears my screaming.

The beauty of the night was enraptured in her eyes.

To glimpse into her eyes was like staring into the sun.

Halo burned retinas were the outcome of her presence.

The love we offer to others is more pure when given without want of reciprocation.

The hurdles we jump, only make us better at jumping.

To touch the sky, all you need to do is reach.

We sometimes forget how great we are meant to be.

If we were really to contemplate reality, we would not look towards the earth and the senses we feel; but towards the Eternal Essence which is in us all.

My sense of self just made a reappearance.... Excuse me as I smash him to bits.

The powder on marshmallows always makes my teeth feel sticky.

Homeboy es solo.

Usted es la respuesta a mis plegarias.

Sometimes, I let myself forget who I'm waiting for. I don't mean to.

I can feel you in the air.


You are the rain, I am dry ground waiting to receive you,


~J.M. Zakrzewski

The Four S's: slavery, secession, segregation and now socialism.

(Partially written in Nov, partially written today 5-24)

So, I'm currently reading Gone With the Wind, and there is a fact in there that I believe most of the United States has forgotten, if they ever knew it to begin with... I know my knowledge of it was very limited.

Up until the point of reading this novel, I had heard it rumored that Martin Luther King Jr and many early black leaders, for that matter, were Republicans, never quite understanding why. Now I totally do.
I know this is a fictitious book, and I'm not making a decision solely on it's content... but I saw some an interesting similarity that can be applied to our day.

Don't get me wrong, Democrats now aren't as cold hearted as they once were, they don't (openly or maybe even consciously) try to enslave people, but are still the same basic party...They are still for the little guy... but let's look back on the history real quick... During the Civil War, the majority of these "little guys" who were Democrats, were ex-plantation and slave owners. People who once made a very healthy living off of the the real little guy's sweat and work. They were now as poor and destitute as the slaves they once kept, and were now looking for anything they could get. Sure, they would help the slaves alright.... the way they had before.

So, it now became obvious to me why these ex slaves were republican.
Flash forward to our time, and the same thing is happening, only on both sides...everyone is for 'the little guy', but I've only seen $250 from this ENORMOUS 700 TRILLION dollar stimulus. and somehow, they have tricked the masses into arguing over which side is better as both sides steal our freedoms a bit more blatantly each time, but we seem to let them, and even help them at times.

Like, right now. Our current administration is currently the largest spending administration.... EVER in America's 200 some-odd years. If I do recall, not long ago many (myself included) were complaining about the spending habits of the Bush administration as being over-extravagant. That was two full terms (8 years), and here we are barely pushing 6 months of the first year of this... and we already have a proposed spending budget rivaling the past 200 years, COMBINED!

If the powers that be don't have us in the position they want... it will only get worse.
Understand me, I think we would be in the same type of trouble no matter who had won the election. My point is, just like the slaves in civil war days, there are some today who are complacent with their lot, they willfully give up what is theirs, and if that is what they want so be it. But there are still others (I like to include myself in this group.) who see things differently. Just like those first republicans, I believe we need to create a new type of party.

KRS-One said something in a documentary I recently watched that has really stuck with me... I'm paraphrasing from memory so excuse me if I'm a bit off...
He said, If you go to a Burger King, and get crummy food, you have to go through a chain of command, kinda like our gov't. First you have a guy at the counter, the cook, then a manager, etc. If you can't get help from all the people you see, you need to speak to the franchise owner, the elusive face behind the guy, behind the manager behind the counter.

I say that is all well and good, and I may label myself in doing so, but how about we save all this hassle over a lousy whopper, and get some real, wholesome food?
Ya dig?

I know, big talk from the guy at home behind his computer, am I right?...
But, I think there are enough of us, that we could do it..
Maybe I just have visions of grandeur for America... but I think it important, especially this Memorial Day, not only do we need to remember those who have served in the armed forces, but also those patriots and freethinkers that came before us.
We get so caught up in the idea of being right, that we forget to keep our guard up.
We need to be "as wise as serpents, yet without sin."

You may be asking yourself, "Why am I reading this, Justin?"
And I'll just say that if you have stuck with me thus far, I hope I do not disappoint, if I do disappoint, drop me a line. I live for criticism.
If you say nothing, I'll keep telling myself I'm wonderful... so you take THAT, to your chagrin or your approval.

Let me digress from my self-righteous rant, we need to keep in mind what we are doing, and our true motives for doing them
Are we doing the things we do because they are right, or are we doing them because we want to be 'right'?
The Tao te Ching teaches that "there is no way to peace.
Peace is the way to peace."
It is the same with 'Change' (or anything). There is no way to 'change', no politician could or would ever offer it. (Too much is at stake for him.)
WE must become the change we seek.

The tree does not look to the elements for it's growth, only for sustenance. The growth comes from within itself.
We need to look at politicians, not as a catalyst that spawns change, and at random intervals.... but as a solid tool that works in our hands.

Then, at least we could get a better tool, and maybe finish the job we started.





(And, don't think that pun was lost on me just 'cause I didn't mention it.) Tool. lol :)

This poem just barges into my emotions when I hear it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=701r7an3bjk

Anis Mojgani is amazing.

"I don't fight, drink, or love... but these days I find myself thinking of all three."

____________

When I hear about the uncertainty that you have,
when I see the way your hands grasp when you feel your ground giving way.
It is then that I wish to tell you to try and loosen your grip.
Your frenzied fingers work against you.

To reach for a falling feather is counter-productive, you only push it further away.

Do not hang on to a dying idea.
Allow that which is decaying to fall and lie where it may.
The compost of old ideas give life to the new.

Don't let the weight of the world make you feel smaller than you really are.
Because if you were to see the grandeur you hold in my eyes alone,
the weight of a million worlds couldn't hold you back.

If I could say the words to make you hear your name ring out forever, I would.
We all have legions of angels cheering us on.

I don't drink, fight, or make love... but I find my self thinking of all three.
But only in those times of uncertainty...
Those times where I'm not sure I can hold out any longer...
On those days where I think that a man can only take so much,
of so little. And so little, of so much.

The days where my teeth chatter like a typewriter,
my mouth and tongue fumble in darkness,
and my bones creak like this house in a storm,
The days when I can't seem to do what I want to,
and even if I could, I'd probably screw it up anyway,
The days I get lost in a smile, a sideways look,
or in the smell of a perfume at the checkout.

Those are the days I tell myself to try to let go.
The days that I try to pour my smiles out more.
The days that I try to share my cookies at snack time,
and buy everyone a milk.
Those are the days I try to be grateful for being alive, because at least I know I am.
Those days are the days I try to loosen my grip.
To be more of what I would like from someone else.
~J.M. Zakrzewski

A dream within a dream.

The mists that followed her about kept her shrouded in mystery.
Revealing wisps of her elegance,
my dream enveloped in a dream.
The sound of her voice, and her scent in my nostrils culminating into a head spin.

The inky backdrop to a magical event.

This taste in my mouth is odd.
Almost metallic.
As if my tongue truly has turned to lead.
Giving explanation of why I can't make a sound.

A lack of words and metaphors.
The only sound I can make is
the beating of my heart in my chest.
It's rhythm forming your name.

I stare into the sky, with the hopes you are looking at the same moon.
The stars ablaze in their glory,
those silent keepers of the night.
They create the background for this symphony...
of heartbeats and silence, which I created for you.

Maybe within their stillness,
you might feel the soft breeze created by my hushed breath.
Hear my heart speaking to you.
And know the grace with which my tongue forms your name.

The sound which my mouth will not make.

My lips and tongue tiptoe softly,
they avoid waking that which lies sleeping.

A mountain, of sorts,
is placed before us, ajourney that cannot be made alone.

Each day draws us nearer.

I can feel it. You are somewhere out there.

I hope I'm living what I'm supposed to, I feel like I am, but I know I could probably do better.
I can see how all of this is preparing me for what I need to do, but like an impatient kid behind the wheel of a car, I'm too anxious to get on the road.

My every act requires a patience, and I've been fine dealing with all of them, but this... this is killing me. I feel the time before our introduction closing, but not fast enough.
The anxiety is intense.

I can't wait to find you.

Bop-ba, bop-ba.

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots.
That my tongue has tied off.

My brain's repeating
"If you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

Bop ba, this is the sound of settling
Bop ba, Bop ba
(x2)

Our youth is fleeting,
Old age is just around the bend.
And I can't wait to go gray.

And I'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been.
If I'd only thought of something charming to say.

Bop ba, this is the sound of settling
Bop ba, Bop ba.
(x4)

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

-Death Cab for Cutie


So I had this song in my head all morning when I woke up, so I had it playing on repeat and had a major change of my understanding.
I sometimes let my mind wander a little too much... I get lost in my head, that twists my own stomach into knots....

The sound of settling may not be such a bad sound. I suppose it's more enjoyable than the sound of silence.

The songs on my Pandora stations seem exceptionally sad and sappy today....

I don't know if it's just me..



I swear, I haven't just been sitting here at this computer screen. I've been working. The things I was doing seemed quite validating and smart at the time, and besides that, I have been writing for the past three hours. See!?!?
I have this page FULL of tab indents and paragraph breaks I can show you, to prove it.... the writing? Oh, that was sub par so it was deleted, but this is the good stuff anyway. None of that non-sense drivel to detract from the plot line.

This is the newest rage in literature... stories that the readers make up themselves.
Just fill in the blanks.

















Quite the wonderful tale... and so different for each reader.
OOOHHs and AAAHHHs

Her morning elegance.

I have been loving this song and video ever since I first saw it a few weeks ago.
It's really quite cool.
Enjoy.

1...2...3... Letting go.

Again, I will leave this arid zone, which is called Arizona, and head back to my green trees and overcast skies. Back I go to ocean breezes and salty air.

I can't say I'll miss sitting inside all day to avoid the concrete jungle, or sitting quietly subdued in a fenced yard, like a caged animal.
It really is quite sad.

But, it seems I am a minority, to want space more than convenience.
To seek silence over chatter.

Blah-g (pronounced 'blog'.)