It started with something familiar but now I'm lost in what could be.
The direction of my thoughts, lost in eternity.
I have always been quick to act, but now my pace is slow.
I cannot act with haste, but give time for this to grow.
My shadow stands out in your light for I cannot let it go
but you shine forth with acceptance still and in time it will not show.
I must keep my passions bridled, keep you sheltered from this storm,
allow this place to stay sacred so it's always safe and warm.
I've never known this before...
where my words lack the means to express
the whole of my thoughts and feelings
and I have no want or need to impress.
For I'm at peace with what's before me.
I wait for what will be.
This is the beginning to an ending,
and the story we will see.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
By: William Earnest Henley
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
By: William Earnest Henley
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Balderdash.
It's been far too long since I've sat down to write. I've felt disconnected from people lately and I've been trying to extend myself more, but it's almost as if the gap seems larger when I try more.
Maybe that's what I get for being a shut-in.
I've been on the MS shots for almost a month now, the first two shots had side effects, but this last one went without a reaction, if they had started me with this stuff, I probably would not have resisted pharmaceuticals so much. Oh well, I just hope it stays like this, I can only focus on the future.
My search for my other half is in the same spot as it was a few months ago, but I feel things bubbling under the surface still.
I just need to keep my faith.
Maybe that's what I get for being a shut-in.
I've been on the MS shots for almost a month now, the first two shots had side effects, but this last one went without a reaction, if they had started me with this stuff, I probably would not have resisted pharmaceuticals so much. Oh well, I just hope it stays like this, I can only focus on the future.
My search for my other half is in the same spot as it was a few months ago, but I feel things bubbling under the surface still.
I just need to keep my faith.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The beginning of a new eternity...
Wow. I had never been to a real wedding before. Today was my first, I got to witness the marriage of two lovely souls. One I have loved like a brother since we have been kids, and who now essentially is my brother; and his gorgeous bride whom I don't know (yet) but who radiated a kindness and love so pure that I have no doubt why he loves her so much.
It was great to witness it, and then to find out another fried is engaged, totally cool.
Today was a good day.
My thanks to all of you for great memories, new and old.
It was great to witness it, and then to find out another fried is engaged, totally cool.
Today was a good day.
My thanks to all of you for great memories, new and old.
Friday, January 29, 2010
"Though He slay me, I will trust in Him."
It is what it is.
I can't change the inevitable.
-----------
30 January 2010
For every/any-one who has ever been a friend, a confident, an enemy, or a lover for me:
First and foremost.. Thank you. Even if it has been ages, even if we never talk, I want everyone to know that I have appreciated every moment we spent together, if it didn't seem so then, be sure I do now.
No easy way to put this... I've been mulling around ideas for a while now... might as well jump the shark.
My ability to be independent is leaving me. My ability to walk and stand is shot. I'm relying more and more on the help of others to accomplish what I need in life. I have already surrendered myself to a meager life, to living below the income level of someone who barely survives. I have been subjected to physical issues that were far beyond my ability to cope with in the first place. But this almost seems too much.
I have always had issues with being too prideful, so maybe this will be a more important moral than the rest, as to my humility and acceptance, but DANG.
It's been a hard five years since my diagnosis, one hurdle after another, but these past few months have been the hardest on me; overcoming this has been difficult. Truth be told, I didn't think I'd be around much longer after the holidays... Call it a bad omen, I just didn't think I'd make it. I even wrote some last testaments in my journal, to my family.
So, I had some doctor appointments, I checked myself into the ER, got a base idea where I am standing in the eyes of the medical world. From their perspective, things aren't looking good. They all think I should have been on medication this whole time, most if not all, are quite surprised I'm still able to function as I do. Truth be told, I am too.
I don't feel like there is anything special about me. In fact I know it. I see my insecurities and shortcomings everyday, but I can't see the sensibility in throwing in the towel either. I almost get the impression from the medical community that because it is a mystery to them, giving up is a better solution than inaction.. Sure, a bullet in my brain would be easier, but it would leave so many things closed to me. (No, I wouldn't do that...Lighten up.) I've just been dealing deeply with death, getting over my fears, accepting what must come. I'm not afraid of what may be. In reality, the after-life would be easier to accept than this life has been, but I'm still not rushing to turn in my ticket.
Death and Life. Life and Death. Two sides of the same coin, two very different faces; One we reverence and bless, the other we mourn and curse. But as one slowly decays, another takes it's place. When I leave, another will fill the space left behind, Never exactly but always perfectly.
Whatever happens, I'm OK with it, I hope you will be too.
Even if I was never a major player in your life, I am happy I had a part in it.
With all my Love,
Justin Matthew Zakrzewski
I can't change the inevitable.
-----------
30 January 2010
For every/any-one who has ever been a friend, a confident, an enemy, or a lover for me:
First and foremost.. Thank you. Even if it has been ages, even if we never talk, I want everyone to know that I have appreciated every moment we spent together, if it didn't seem so then, be sure I do now.
No easy way to put this... I've been mulling around ideas for a while now... might as well jump the shark.
My ability to be independent is leaving me. My ability to walk and stand is shot. I'm relying more and more on the help of others to accomplish what I need in life. I have already surrendered myself to a meager life, to living below the income level of someone who barely survives. I have been subjected to physical issues that were far beyond my ability to cope with in the first place. But this almost seems too much.
I have always had issues with being too prideful, so maybe this will be a more important moral than the rest, as to my humility and acceptance, but DANG.
It's been a hard five years since my diagnosis, one hurdle after another, but these past few months have been the hardest on me; overcoming this has been difficult. Truth be told, I didn't think I'd be around much longer after the holidays... Call it a bad omen, I just didn't think I'd make it. I even wrote some last testaments in my journal, to my family.
So, I had some doctor appointments, I checked myself into the ER, got a base idea where I am standing in the eyes of the medical world. From their perspective, things aren't looking good. They all think I should have been on medication this whole time, most if not all, are quite surprised I'm still able to function as I do. Truth be told, I am too.
I don't feel like there is anything special about me. In fact I know it. I see my insecurities and shortcomings everyday, but I can't see the sensibility in throwing in the towel either. I almost get the impression from the medical community that because it is a mystery to them, giving up is a better solution than inaction.. Sure, a bullet in my brain would be easier, but it would leave so many things closed to me. (No, I wouldn't do that...Lighten up.) I've just been dealing deeply with death, getting over my fears, accepting what must come. I'm not afraid of what may be. In reality, the after-life would be easier to accept than this life has been, but I'm still not rushing to turn in my ticket.
Death and Life. Life and Death. Two sides of the same coin, two very different faces; One we reverence and bless, the other we mourn and curse. But as one slowly decays, another takes it's place. When I leave, another will fill the space left behind, Never exactly but always perfectly.
Whatever happens, I'm OK with it, I hope you will be too.
Even if I was never a major player in your life, I am happy I had a part in it.
With all my Love,
Justin Matthew Zakrzewski
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It was easy for him to get lost in his mind.
Walks down empty hallways in his head,
Always landed him back in the same room.
The one where he noticed his solitude in his house.
The hallways were lined with the pictures of his youth.
He saw a laughter that was lost long ago,
Pierced by the angst of the years past.
But in his mind, there was also his vision of what could be,
Of what would be.
But here is where he'd get distracted....
... was I talking?
Walks down empty hallways in his head,
Always landed him back in the same room.
The one where he noticed his solitude in his house.
The hallways were lined with the pictures of his youth.
He saw a laughter that was lost long ago,
Pierced by the angst of the years past.
But in his mind, there was also his vision of what could be,
Of what would be.
But here is where he'd get distracted....
... was I talking?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Yodel-leigh-hee-hoo!
Reading an article today, I came across an analogy about how the ecology of a mountain is similar to our spiritual growth (but we can apply this to all aspects of life). At the base of the mountain there is movement, small creatures, streams and rivers, plants, all sorts of life. But as you go higher, the life becomes less frequent, harder, the climate is less inviting, more secluded.
Just like our lives when we focus our energies/attention.
Anyone that has focused more intently on their inner being (or any interest) will know that when we do this, we alienate ourselves from those who do not understand that type of thought pattern. I don't care if it's working on cars, playing frisbee golf, reading scripture, or hula hooping... as you focus more intently on it, those who cannot accept that thinking fall from your life.We leave the 'known' world behind, and if continued, we pull farther and further from the mindset of the people around us who are not in the same mindset. If continued on that course, we will eventually reach the "summit". There will come a point in all of our situations where we have reached a point of seclusion, a point we can not go further, a point when the second half of the journey begins...
Our return.
As creatures of choice, we can either stay in seclusion, or spread the Love and Knowledge gained to the rest of the world, making known what we have found. Sharing what we have come to realize, the gifts we have gathered.
For what is the purpose pf a scientist climbing a mountain or a mechanic learning a car, if they don't share what they learn with oihers?
We must realize that our sense of achievement does not come from the journey itself, or from the problems we face , but from our experiences we create AFTER our journey, from overcoming and enduring our problems.
As we return with our knowledge, our 'circle' can once again grow.
We come back, changed forever by the knowledge attained; we come back, with the opportunity to change the world forever.
I finally feel like I'm returning... like this point of my life is over, and there are new sites to see, new mountains to climb. I know one part of my life that is lacking, that of companionship, but I have faith that is right around the corner. We'll see how 2010 goes... maybe by the start of next year I'll have a Mrs. Zak.
Just like our lives when we focus our energies/attention.
Anyone that has focused more intently on their inner being (or any interest) will know that when we do this, we alienate ourselves from those who do not understand that type of thought pattern. I don't care if it's working on cars, playing frisbee golf, reading scripture, or hula hooping... as you focus more intently on it, those who cannot accept that thinking fall from your life.We leave the 'known' world behind, and if continued, we pull farther and further from the mindset of the people around us who are not in the same mindset. If continued on that course, we will eventually reach the "summit". There will come a point in all of our situations where we have reached a point of seclusion, a point we can not go further, a point when the second half of the journey begins...
Our return.
As creatures of choice, we can either stay in seclusion, or spread the Love and Knowledge gained to the rest of the world, making known what we have found. Sharing what we have come to realize, the gifts we have gathered.
For what is the purpose pf a scientist climbing a mountain or a mechanic learning a car, if they don't share what they learn with oihers?
We must realize that our sense of achievement does not come from the journey itself, or from the problems we face , but from our experiences we create AFTER our journey, from overcoming and enduring our problems.
As we return with our knowledge, our 'circle' can once again grow.
We come back, changed forever by the knowledge attained; we come back, with the opportunity to change the world forever.
I finally feel like I'm returning... like this point of my life is over, and there are new sites to see, new mountains to climb. I know one part of my life that is lacking, that of companionship, but I have faith that is right around the corner. We'll see how 2010 goes... maybe by the start of next year I'll have a Mrs. Zak.
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