It is what it is.
I can't change the inevitable.
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30 January 2010
For every/any-one who has ever been a friend, a confident, an enemy, or a lover for me:
First and foremost.. Thank you. Even if it has been ages, even if we never talk, I want everyone to know that I have appreciated every moment we spent together, if it didn't seem so then, be sure I do now.
No easy way to put this... I've been mulling around ideas for a while now... might as well jump the shark.
My ability to be independent is leaving me. My ability to walk and stand is shot. I'm relying more and more on the help of others to accomplish what I need in life. I have already surrendered myself to a meager life, to living below the income level of someone who barely survives. I have been subjected to physical issues that were far beyond my ability to cope with in the first place. But this almost seems too much.
I have always had issues with being too prideful, so maybe this will be a more important moral than the rest, as to my humility and acceptance, but DANG.
It's been a hard five years since my diagnosis, one hurdle after another, but these past few months have been the hardest on me; overcoming this has been difficult. Truth be told, I didn't think I'd be around much longer after the holidays... Call it a bad omen, I just didn't think I'd make it. I even wrote some last testaments in my journal, to my family.
So, I had some doctor appointments, I checked myself into the ER, got a base idea where I am standing in the eyes of the medical world. From their perspective, things aren't looking good. They all think I should have been on medication this whole time, most if not all, are quite surprised I'm still able to function as I do. Truth be told, I am too.
I don't feel like there is anything special about me. In fact I know it. I see my insecurities and shortcomings everyday, but I can't see the sensibility in throwing in the towel either. I almost get the impression from the medical community that because it is a mystery to them, giving up is a better solution than inaction.. Sure, a bullet in my brain would be easier, but it would leave so many things closed to me. (No, I wouldn't do that...Lighten up.) I've just been dealing deeply with death, getting over my fears, accepting what must come. I'm not afraid of what may be. In reality, the after-life would be easier to accept than this life has been, but I'm still not rushing to turn in my ticket.
Death and Life. Life and Death. Two sides of the same coin, two very different faces; One we reverence and bless, the other we mourn and curse. But as one slowly decays, another takes it's place. When I leave, another will fill the space left behind, Never exactly but always perfectly.
Whatever happens, I'm OK with it, I hope you will be too.
Even if I was never a major player in your life, I am happy I had a part in it.
With all my Love,
Justin Matthew Zakrzewski
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