Like I had spoken it before,
as if my lips still formed the vowels,
the consonants lingering, as if invited.
But, I know it is not familiar...
this is just fate, playing as déjà vu so her devices are not known.
She gives an aire of submission to your will,
when, indeed it is you who is succumbing to her vast schemes.
an inkling of a greater way...
the beginning of another day.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
It's been too long since I last saw you.
I told you once that I would live near the ocean someday, when I said it, I was only trying to impress you. I did mean it, I just didn't quite believe I'd ever get out of the desert, and I don't think you thought I would, either.
It is now coming up on 2 years since we last talked. I know what drove us apart, now. It was my inability to trust, my own insecurities were coming through in my actions. In jealous fits and tantrums, I would accuse and point fingers. Always, jokingly, but always constantly.
I'm sorry for that...
So, with the passage of time, I have come to see that my faults were ALWAYS greater than yours.... but I let my insecurities add to yours. I heaped all my neurosis on you, then would shun you in return when you showed yours. I felt that because of my lot in life, my bad behavior was somehow justified.
Anywho, this all was stirred up, because I was reminded, while looking at a can of tomato paste today, that I still need to try your odd combination.... Tomato paste and bananas.
I was tempted to try it out, but I promised I'd try it in front of you so you could see my reaction. Funny, you live over 1000 miles away, I don't think we'll ever speak again, and I still couldn't bring myself to break my promise.
Who knows, maybe I'll try it someday, maybe I'll like it. Then, maybe I will be able to tell our story without getting a lump in my throat. I'll be able to tell how you were my lighthouse on the foggiest of nights, you were what drew me back into a safe harbor, because of you, I am now home.
When I look back on our situation, I think about all I could have done differently, how things could have been great if I were more musical, more of an athlete, if only...
The 'if's become endless, and I see that this way is, despite my dismay, the best. When I told you I wanted to find a wife, I really meant I wanted you to be my wife, and I meant it with every part of my being. Even though I didn't/couldn't show you properly how I felt, I would have willingly taken that cross up with you, and I still would, given the chance, only I now have different motivation.... I just want to help you.
So, why am I writing this? Especially, why am I posting it for all to see? (You hated being under examination so much... Not very compatible, from the very start, when paired with my narcissistic tendencies.) Well, I miss you. How we would just talk and laugh. I felt more like myself when I talked with you. I felt so comfortable on the phone with you, you actually made me like talking on the phone. You brought me much needed love at a very trying time for me.
There I said it, what I had been avoiding all this time.
I love you, Britené... I always have, but not in the way I was letting on at the time.
My intentions were well, I was just confused about the intensity of my feelings, and I also mis-judged your feelings for me. The love I held for you then, is the same love I STILL have for you. I think this feeling will stay with me until I die... I am forever indebted, simply because you were your beautiful self, at the proper moment in my life. I have always been a sucker for a pretty face, and I saw yours at a time my emotions were the most raw, I fell head over heels.
Pachabel's Canon just started playing on the radio, fitting, because I would imagine seeing you in a wedding gown dancing to this... I guess it was never really our dance, but I made it so in my mind.
You always did say what I needed to hear, no one since my sister has ever been so right... (don't tell her I said that.)
This whole life is just amazing... we both were catalysts in each other's lives, though we might not have known it at the time. Maybe you did know, I wouldn't say otherwise... but I never saw past your eyes long enough to think about it.
I started writing this with an intention and purpose, but I find myself getting heady on this brew, stirring deep dark vats, drinking too deeply of the mead I created with these old, fermented ideas. But, these are not feelings I will ever give up. I have no remorse for the intensity of my feelings, nor do I mourn having lost my chance with you, because this is the way things had to be.
I know for certain that if by some fluke, we did get together... I would STILL be in Arizona. Neither of us thought I'd get out, and we would have manifested that in our lives. So, I'm glad, in that sense, that you did just push me away. You pushing me away was the motivation I needed to embark on this journey.
By then, the spark you had given me, was a kindled fire, and that led me to the blaze I now enjoy.
As I said, I am forever in your debt... my children may never meet you, but certainly they will know our story, even if it is just the vain imaginations of my early days, they will know how my testimony grew tenfold, when I found out you were an investigator, who was looking for a witness. They will know how your faith that was just beginning, (and, perhaps more importantly at that time in my life) your beautiful face were the start on a path I will never again turn from.
They will know that before dad loved mom, he had a thing for a divorcè, and she properly put him in his place, then sent him on his way.
Now that I have this all written out, I almost want to delete it, and forget it... but I can't. I think I may even want to dig out your number and try giving you a call, but idk if I could bring myself to. This may be it, a blog posting that you will likely never see.
I wonder if you would even answer if you knew I was calling... I don't blame you.
Maybe, one of these days, you'll get a nod from me, if you do... I hope we can just catch up, shoot the breeze, and I'll take a picture of me dipping a banana in tomato sauce and eating it.
If you do ever come across this, send me an email, we'll catch up.
jumazak@gmail.com
PS, I'm sorry for putting this 'out there', but I never pretended to have much tact anyhow. :)
It is now coming up on 2 years since we last talked. I know what drove us apart, now. It was my inability to trust, my own insecurities were coming through in my actions. In jealous fits and tantrums, I would accuse and point fingers. Always, jokingly, but always constantly.
I'm sorry for that...
So, with the passage of time, I have come to see that my faults were ALWAYS greater than yours.... but I let my insecurities add to yours. I heaped all my neurosis on you, then would shun you in return when you showed yours. I felt that because of my lot in life, my bad behavior was somehow justified.
Anywho, this all was stirred up, because I was reminded, while looking at a can of tomato paste today, that I still need to try your odd combination.... Tomato paste and bananas.
I was tempted to try it out, but I promised I'd try it in front of you so you could see my reaction. Funny, you live over 1000 miles away, I don't think we'll ever speak again, and I still couldn't bring myself to break my promise.
Who knows, maybe I'll try it someday, maybe I'll like it. Then, maybe I will be able to tell our story without getting a lump in my throat. I'll be able to tell how you were my lighthouse on the foggiest of nights, you were what drew me back into a safe harbor, because of you, I am now home.
When I look back on our situation, I think about all I could have done differently, how things could have been great if I were more musical, more of an athlete, if only...
The 'if's become endless, and I see that this way is, despite my dismay, the best. When I told you I wanted to find a wife, I really meant I wanted you to be my wife, and I meant it with every part of my being. Even though I didn't/couldn't show you properly how I felt, I would have willingly taken that cross up with you, and I still would, given the chance, only I now have different motivation.... I just want to help you.
So, why am I writing this? Especially, why am I posting it for all to see? (You hated being under examination so much... Not very compatible, from the very start, when paired with my narcissistic tendencies.) Well, I miss you. How we would just talk and laugh. I felt more like myself when I talked with you. I felt so comfortable on the phone with you, you actually made me like talking on the phone. You brought me much needed love at a very trying time for me.
There I said it, what I had been avoiding all this time.
I love you, Britené... I always have, but not in the way I was letting on at the time.
My intentions were well, I was just confused about the intensity of my feelings, and I also mis-judged your feelings for me. The love I held for you then, is the same love I STILL have for you. I think this feeling will stay with me until I die... I am forever indebted, simply because you were your beautiful self, at the proper moment in my life. I have always been a sucker for a pretty face, and I saw yours at a time my emotions were the most raw, I fell head over heels.
Pachabel's Canon just started playing on the radio, fitting, because I would imagine seeing you in a wedding gown dancing to this... I guess it was never really our dance, but I made it so in my mind.
You always did say what I needed to hear, no one since my sister has ever been so right... (don't tell her I said that.)
This whole life is just amazing... we both were catalysts in each other's lives, though we might not have known it at the time. Maybe you did know, I wouldn't say otherwise... but I never saw past your eyes long enough to think about it.
I started writing this with an intention and purpose, but I find myself getting heady on this brew, stirring deep dark vats, drinking too deeply of the mead I created with these old, fermented ideas. But, these are not feelings I will ever give up. I have no remorse for the intensity of my feelings, nor do I mourn having lost my chance with you, because this is the way things had to be.
I know for certain that if by some fluke, we did get together... I would STILL be in Arizona. Neither of us thought I'd get out, and we would have manifested that in our lives. So, I'm glad, in that sense, that you did just push me away. You pushing me away was the motivation I needed to embark on this journey.
By then, the spark you had given me, was a kindled fire, and that led me to the blaze I now enjoy.
As I said, I am forever in your debt... my children may never meet you, but certainly they will know our story, even if it is just the vain imaginations of my early days, they will know how my testimony grew tenfold, when I found out you were an investigator, who was looking for a witness. They will know how your faith that was just beginning, (and, perhaps more importantly at that time in my life) your beautiful face were the start on a path I will never again turn from.
They will know that before dad loved mom, he had a thing for a divorcè, and she properly put him in his place, then sent him on his way.
Now that I have this all written out, I almost want to delete it, and forget it... but I can't. I think I may even want to dig out your number and try giving you a call, but idk if I could bring myself to. This may be it, a blog posting that you will likely never see.
I wonder if you would even answer if you knew I was calling... I don't blame you.
Maybe, one of these days, you'll get a nod from me, if you do... I hope we can just catch up, shoot the breeze, and I'll take a picture of me dipping a banana in tomato sauce and eating it.
If you do ever come across this, send me an email, we'll catch up.
jumazak@gmail.com
PS, I'm sorry for putting this 'out there', but I never pretended to have much tact anyhow. :)
Friday, June 12, 2009
Para siempre.
I asked the man working behind the counter with you
what your name tag read.
He told me simply,
"Forever."
At that, he was gone and I was left standing there,
like a kid that missed his bus,
stranded on a street corner,
my hands shoved sheepishly in my pockets.
I searched for the change that could mean the difference...
between a ride home and walking,
The difference between mediocrity and my hopes and dreams.
"Forever."
When you made your way to me,
this was the only thing I heard.
A whisper of your allure that shattered into the eternities.
My mind let no other thought or word in.
All my senses were gone and only the resonating impact of the word remained.
The one word to describe your beauty, your grace, your soul.
Forever.
My silence had no effect on you,
you continued as if I had spoken in reply.
My gaze being lost in the subtle movements of your hands.
You spoke to me as if I could accomplish something for you,
I made a gesture of some sort, and you thanked me.
Forever was your calling,
For-ever was my gratitude in being acknowledged.
As our spirits drew closer together, I did not quite understand what was written on your tag.
"How does that say Forever. -?" I asked.
"It doesn't." You laughed.
"It says the same thing as the wind as it whispers through your hair...
the same thing that is heard in a child's laugh,
in a parent's scorn,
or a lover's smile.
My name is Forever.
Yet, it is so much more."
what your name tag read.
He told me simply,
"Forever."
At that, he was gone and I was left standing there,
like a kid that missed his bus,
stranded on a street corner,
my hands shoved sheepishly in my pockets.
I searched for the change that could mean the difference...
between a ride home and walking,
The difference between mediocrity and my hopes and dreams.
"Forever."
When you made your way to me,
this was the only thing I heard.
A whisper of your allure that shattered into the eternities.
My mind let no other thought or word in.
All my senses were gone and only the resonating impact of the word remained.
The one word to describe your beauty, your grace, your soul.
Forever.
My silence had no effect on you,
you continued as if I had spoken in reply.
My gaze being lost in the subtle movements of your hands.
You spoke to me as if I could accomplish something for you,
I made a gesture of some sort, and you thanked me.
Forever was your calling,
For-ever was my gratitude in being acknowledged.
As our spirits drew closer together, I did not quite understand what was written on your tag.
"How does that say Forever. -?" I asked.
"It doesn't." You laughed.
"It says the same thing as the wind as it whispers through your hair...
the same thing that is heard in a child's laugh,
in a parent's scorn,
or a lover's smile.
My name is Forever.
Yet, it is so much more."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wild horses.
I nodded off and got caught in my dream,
when I came to, I thought it may have been real.
You had been there, though I couldn't quite see your face.
I never can seem to see your face...
Just a soft outline of a profile.
I can imagine what I would like to see,
but what does that matter?
I kept calling to you, your name not quite discernible to me.
You would look my way, but never quite at me.
Finally my angst was enough to wake me,
but like I said, it could have been real.
The smell of the kitchen we were in was strong in my nose,
oiled wood cabinets and dinner on the stove.
Maybe that is my trip....
Every time, I never quite see you, despite my attempts.
I awake myself in a fervor.
So perhaps I need to not be impatient.
The next time this happens, I'll be patient.
I'll wait for you to look at me.
Nothing can keep us apart.
"Wild horses, couldn't drag me away."
- Mick Jagger and Kieth Richards
when I came to, I thought it may have been real.
You had been there, though I couldn't quite see your face.
I never can seem to see your face...
Just a soft outline of a profile.
I can imagine what I would like to see,
but what does that matter?
I kept calling to you, your name not quite discernible to me.
You would look my way, but never quite at me.
Finally my angst was enough to wake me,
but like I said, it could have been real.
The smell of the kitchen we were in was strong in my nose,
oiled wood cabinets and dinner on the stove.
Maybe that is my trip....
Every time, I never quite see you, despite my attempts.
I awake myself in a fervor.
So perhaps I need to not be impatient.
The next time this happens, I'll be patient.
I'll wait for you to look at me.
Nothing can keep us apart.
"Wild horses, couldn't drag me away."
- Mick Jagger and Kieth Richards
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I ache for *you*, now...
It has now been almost four years since you wrote me that letter... 05 October, 2005.
I still read it often, and the tears still come pouring out...
the copy I have is obviously spotted by them.
But today, I wadded up my tissue and threw it feebly at the wastebasket,
it bounced out and fell to the floor,
this caused a new outburst of tears...
No one but family would get this... and know the love with which I say... I can never look at a snotty tissue again, without thinking of *you*. :)
I have surely felt your spirit along my way,
and I could not have made it otherwise.
But, that time has passed where I looked to others for a lighter burden.
You may have been stronger, while I was faster...
But neither strength or speed can help us now.
As you said, you can not help me.
Nor can I help you.
Our situations can not be helped by a comforting hand of a loved one...
I wish it could. I'd tear this veil from your eyes.
The roles have reversed now...
I am no longer afraid of the dark of the night.
The Light is within us all.
Though, I feel you being overpowered by the desires of your heart....
chasing the tail-end of a wind that has already blown by you.
A wind that was blowing too fast to ride, anyhow.
We both jumped from the nest too early...
but with your tendency to rush things, and my tendency to hide from them,
our falls were different for us both. Yours was hard and fast, mine was slow,
but I hit a lot of branches along the way down.
Coming from one who has returned to the nest...
The view alone is worth the effort.
I see you in a new way...
I'm no longer the buck-toothed,
toe-headed, pest that I once was, either.
I no longer see someone that will take my fears away,
but someone that had the same fears as me all along.
I never knew it, but you were just as scared as me.
We both have cause to groan like a
hibernating bear that is awakened early....
But we were supposed to be beyond that.
I try daily to get beyond it.
You were better at it than us all... Do you remember?
"Some people say that I'm a dreamer...
but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday, you'll join us. And the world will live as one."
I still read it often, and the tears still come pouring out...
the copy I have is obviously spotted by them.
But today, I wadded up my tissue and threw it feebly at the wastebasket,
it bounced out and fell to the floor,
this caused a new outburst of tears...
No one but family would get this... and know the love with which I say... I can never look at a snotty tissue again, without thinking of *you*. :)
I have surely felt your spirit along my way,
and I could not have made it otherwise.
But, that time has passed where I looked to others for a lighter burden.
You may have been stronger, while I was faster...
But neither strength or speed can help us now.
As you said, you can not help me.
Nor can I help you.
Our situations can not be helped by a comforting hand of a loved one...
I wish it could. I'd tear this veil from your eyes.
The roles have reversed now...
I am no longer afraid of the dark of the night.
The Light is within us all.
Though, I feel you being overpowered by the desires of your heart....
chasing the tail-end of a wind that has already blown by you.
A wind that was blowing too fast to ride, anyhow.
We both jumped from the nest too early...
but with your tendency to rush things, and my tendency to hide from them,
our falls were different for us both. Yours was hard and fast, mine was slow,
but I hit a lot of branches along the way down.
Coming from one who has returned to the nest...
The view alone is worth the effort.
I see you in a new way...
I'm no longer the buck-toothed,
toe-headed, pest that I once was, either.
I no longer see someone that will take my fears away,
but someone that had the same fears as me all along.
I never knew it, but you were just as scared as me.
We both have cause to groan like a
hibernating bear that is awakened early....
But we were supposed to be beyond that.
I try daily to get beyond it.
You were better at it than us all... Do you remember?
"Some people say that I'm a dreamer...
but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday, you'll join us. And the world will live as one."
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Come avete fatto a piedi.
Had I kept my shoes on and walked boldly,
this distance between us would have seemed small.
But I didn't.
I took them off so I wouldn't sully the path you set before me.
So I could tiptoe and zig-zag my way through without hurting myself, not realizing
that I was delaying my journey to you in the process.
Well, I slipped up, and now I'm bleeding.
Walking on eggshells that cut through me like glass.
There is no sense in treading lightly, anymore.
The path is now marked by my blood.
I realize now that you walked the path, so I could walk where you did.
My goal now is to walk where the path is clear.
this distance between us would have seemed small.
But I didn't.
I took them off so I wouldn't sully the path you set before me.
So I could tiptoe and zig-zag my way through without hurting myself, not realizing
that I was delaying my journey to you in the process.
Well, I slipped up, and now I'm bleeding.
Walking on eggshells that cut through me like glass.
There is no sense in treading lightly, anymore.
The path is now marked by my blood.
I realize now that you walked the path, so I could walk where you did.
My goal now is to walk where the path is clear.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Cotton sheets are cold when you're alone...
They somehow don't feel that comfortable when there is no one to share them with.
The soft weave feels scratchy and dull.
My breath seems to take forever to warm up this under-cover tent.
It's big enough for two, but one side is left unoccupied.
Closed off from drafts, closed off from the world.
Shivering, in the dank air of my mouthwash breath,
I give a silent Prayer that you will take your place soon, by my side.
They somehow don't feel that comfortable when there is no one to share them with.
The soft weave feels scratchy and dull.
My breath seems to take forever to warm up this under-cover tent.
It's big enough for two, but one side is left unoccupied.
Closed off from drafts, closed off from the world.
Shivering, in the dank air of my mouthwash breath,
I give a silent Prayer that you will take your place soon, by my side.
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