I told you once that I would live near the ocean someday, when I said it, I was only trying to impress you. I did mean it, I just didn't quite believe I'd ever get out of the desert, and I don't think you thought I would, either.
It is now coming up on 2 years since we last talked. I know what drove us apart, now. It was my inability to trust, my own insecurities were coming through in my actions. In jealous fits and tantrums, I would accuse and point fingers. Always, jokingly, but always constantly.
I'm sorry for that...
So, with the passage of time, I have come to see that my faults were ALWAYS greater than yours.... but I let my insecurities add to yours. I heaped all my neurosis on you, then would shun you in return when you showed yours. I felt that because of my lot in life, my bad behavior was somehow justified.
Anywho, this all was stirred up, because I was reminded, while looking at a can of tomato paste today, that I still need to try your odd combination.... Tomato paste and bananas.
I was tempted to try it out, but I promised I'd try it in front of you so you could see my reaction. Funny, you live over 1000 miles away, I don't think we'll ever speak again, and I still couldn't bring myself to break my promise.
Who knows, maybe I'll try it someday, maybe I'll like it. Then, maybe I will be able to tell our story without getting a lump in my throat. I'll be able to tell how you were my lighthouse on the foggiest of nights, you were what drew me back into a safe harbor, because of you, I am now home.
When I look back on our situation, I think about all I could have done differently, how things could have been great if I were more musical, more of an athlete, if only...
The 'if's become endless, and I see that this way is, despite my dismay, the best. When I told you I wanted to find a wife, I really meant I wanted you to be my wife, and I meant it with every part of my being. Even though I didn't/couldn't show you properly how I felt, I would have willingly taken that cross up with you, and I still would, given the chance, only I now have different motivation.... I just want to help you.
So, why am I writing this? Especially, why am I posting it for all to see? (You hated being under examination so much... Not very compatible, from the very start, when paired with my narcissistic tendencies.) Well, I miss you. How we would just talk and laugh. I felt more like myself when I talked with you. I felt so comfortable on the phone with you, you actually made me like talking on the phone. You brought me much needed love at a very trying time for me.
There I said it, what I had been avoiding all this time.
I love you, Britené... I always have, but not in the way I was letting on at the time.
My intentions were well, I was just confused about the intensity of my feelings, and I also mis-judged your feelings for me. The love I held for you then, is the same love I STILL have for you. I think this feeling will stay with me until I die... I am forever indebted, simply because you were your beautiful self, at the proper moment in my life. I have always been a sucker for a pretty face, and I saw yours at a time my emotions were the most raw, I fell head over heels.
Pachabel's Canon just started playing on the radio, fitting, because I would imagine seeing you in a wedding gown dancing to this... I guess it was never really our dance, but I made it so in my mind.
You always did say what I needed to hear, no one since my sister has ever been so right... (don't tell her I said that.)
This whole life is just amazing... we both were catalysts in each other's lives, though we might not have known it at the time. Maybe you did know, I wouldn't say otherwise... but I never saw past your eyes long enough to think about it.
I started writing this with an intention and purpose, but I find myself getting heady on this brew, stirring deep dark vats, drinking too deeply of the mead I created with these old, fermented ideas. But, these are not feelings I will ever give up. I have no remorse for the intensity of my feelings, nor do I mourn having lost my chance with you, because this is the way things had to be.
I know for certain that if by some fluke, we did get together... I would STILL be in Arizona. Neither of us thought I'd get out, and we would have manifested that in our lives. So, I'm glad, in that sense, that you did just push me away. You pushing me away was the motivation I needed to embark on this journey.
By then, the spark you had given me, was a kindled fire, and that led me to the blaze I now enjoy.
As I said, I am forever in your debt... my children may never meet you, but certainly they will know our story, even if it is just the vain imaginations of my early days, they will know how my testimony grew tenfold, when I found out you were an investigator, who was looking for a witness. They will know how your faith that was just beginning, (and, perhaps more importantly at that time in my life) your beautiful face were the start on a path I will never again turn from.
They will know that before dad loved mom, he had a thing for a divorcè, and she properly put him in his place, then sent him on his way.
Now that I have this all written out, I almost want to delete it, and forget it... but I can't. I think I may even want to dig out your number and try giving you a call, but idk if I could bring myself to. This may be it, a blog posting that you will likely never see.
I wonder if you would even answer if you knew I was calling... I don't blame you.
Maybe, one of these days, you'll get a nod from me, if you do... I hope we can just catch up, shoot the breeze, and I'll take a picture of me dipping a banana in tomato sauce and eating it.
If you do ever come across this, send me an email, we'll catch up.
jumazak@gmail.com
PS, I'm sorry for putting this 'out there', but I never pretended to have much tact anyhow. :)
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