When you told me that you loved me,

When you told me that you loved me,
I looked back at you, like a dummy,
and then, I said nothing.

All the moon-light talks,
all the starry walks,
I came close to telling you many times.

But, in small outbursts of hushed deference,
I only made things worse.
I was condemned by my silence.

And, so I looked at you in disbelief as I heard you say those words,
those words we had so carefully avoided.
Now they were out before us, to either harm or heal.

You stepped out boldly, and said what we both felt,
but I again found my opportunity to avoid the occasion.

The remaining time was spent in uncomfortable silence.
Funny, how the thing I once sought, the knot I would tie....
would end up being the noose that hung me.

"I've got ninety-nine problems, but a girl isn't one...."

That is really sad to admit, in my opinion. It is meant to be a boastful statement for those who say it... like they have other things to worry about than girls. But when I say it, it is all too literal to me. My ninety and eight problems seem minuscule to that one singular lack.

-------------------------

The gleam has gone from my eyes...

Looking at past photos of us, I noticed something was different about me then.
I had a vigor and zeal that was in me... a fire in my eye that announced to the world that I was ready for a challenge, ready to take it on, or die in the attempt.
And, I almost did...
I wonder if you'd even know me now,
sure, you may recognize my face.
But, would I still be able to make you smile like I once did?
Would we lose ourselves in each other's presence by falling into the void we left in each other, or would we be lost in each other's presence, not knowing where to turn to find common ground?
I scare myself at times, it is almost as if I want to live in my past,
but I know that I was living with my head down a hole.
But, even with my head in a hole, the fire of my pupils was enough to ignite asbestos.
I can't take all the credit though, I did have great support... it was hard to let the world keep me down when I wasn't fighting my battles alone.

The fire was certainly in my eyes, but it started first in my heart.

Over-indulgence.

So, lately I have been finding it hard to eat reasonably. What I mean is, I've been taking things to excess and gorging myself on whatever it is I'm eating.

I still eat healthy, for the most part, but just WAY too much of it. I just can't seem to eat a single serving, or even a double helping... lately, I'll stuff myself to the brim, not stopping until whatever I'm eating is gone. Sure, this may eventually help with my issue of not gaining weight, but I think I might be going overboard with it.

For example, the past few days, I had to literally force myself to use restraint in eating the rice-krispy treats I made. I ate the entire batch in two sittings, instead of one. I just finished eating a pound of fresh cherries... again, forcing restraint on myself so I didn't eat the other pound. I went to the grocery store today, and I bought about a pound and a half of cooked shrimp, and I've been contemplating for the past hour if I want to eat them with cocktail sauce, or if I'll just eat them with wasabi and soy sauce.

I know the proper thing to do wold be to make a meal, of some sort, but I find it so hard to cook just for me. I actually prefer eating just one or two things at a time... if I could just do so without being a glutton. That is part of my problem, being on my own, if I don't eat something it goes to waste. Rather than have that happen, I'll prepare it all then instead of having leftovers, I'll eat everything in one go.
I guess I could just make less, but then I'll find something else to eat until I'm full anyhow.

I hate to say it, but I only seem to control my eating when I know someone is watching me. I need someone else to eat what I cook... better yet, I need a personal chef to make my meals, would a sushi chef be too much to ask for?
Maybe then I'd be content with eating a (semi)normal portion.