So the past few months have been an absolute roller coaster for me. One day, I'll be feeling great, it seems like nothing can hold me back, then on another day, it feels like nothing can hold me up.
I figure a good portion of the negative feelings I'm having are just attacks of the Adversary against me, because of my intent to focus more on bettering my situation.
As I try to better myself in various ways, I keep being hit by setbacks.
As I try to plan for certain things, the situation changes at the last second, making my plans rather useless.
The things that have made my life easier, have slowly decayed so that their effects are hardly felt in my life anymore.
My glimmering hopes are slowly dimmed by age, and perhaps from lack of use.
The biggest damper on my spirits, came and left me almost a month ago... As usual, I was meditating on Christ's atonement and various scriptures as I laid in bed one night. More particularly Galatians Ch2 verse 20, which says, "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but aChrist bliveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the cfaith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."
As I laid there, my body suddenly became responsive to my movements... something I have not experienced in some time. My fingers and toes on my left side were no longer hard to control, and the only lack I felt in them was a lack of strength from not being used in 5 years, where they had succumbed to atrophy. This continued for a few days, four to be exact, and I quite literally felt as if I could run a marathon. My days were filled with various activities that I had not been able to accomplish in previous attempts, and my confidence soared to great heights, a feeling I had been without since the time of my diagnosis in 2005.
Well, contrary to my hopes and the hopes of the few people in my family I had related this event to, the return of my previous difficulties was a very saddening experience. I have yet to regain fully my positive outlook.
I try my best at what I can do, but I seem to judge myself too harshly, based on my past accomplishments. I can't help but feel a remorse when I look back on my life, not being capable of doing again what I have done before, not having the spark and drive I once had, and all of the time I have squandered in activities that had no benefit to me, other than to satisfy my ego or to give myself a temporary benefit.
But, I keep reminding myself this is only going to be for my benefit... that through my weakness I am showed the great strength and potential I have, that we ALL have. The trials and adversity I am facing (and we ALL have them, just in different degrees) are just a fraction of what was overcome by Jesus. That by losing ourselves in service to His will and to the people we interact with on a daily basis, we can put our suffering away.
This whole situation has been a MAJOR trip for me. Those of you who have grown up with me might not fully understand how I was able to change so drastically in such a short period, but I assure you my outlook never changed, I am just seeing things from a different perspective than I once had. It has been hard for me to accept the ways I acted towards many of you, and I apologize for any hurt/drama I may have caused... but I hope to make amends for those things.
I know that this funk must leave me shortly, I am sure of it. Maybe my problems are far from over, maybe I'll be left to ponder more about the choices I've made, maybe I'll never be fully "healthy" in this life... but I'm certain that just as my fleeting moments of vigor came and went, so must this depression I am feeling, leave me. For, I am crucified in Christ...
2010 is going to be a MUCH better year, I'm hoping I'll meet the woman I will marry and start a family with. I stand by the fact that I feel her presence in the air... I hope she knows I am waiting and ready.
This bad feeling is already starting to leave me, I think I just needed to air-out this experience, let the world know what his happening in my life...
Of course, there is a chance that my narcissism was raging, I have been neglecting my writing outlet for too long. ;)
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